peaking in your 30s is great actually
No, I mean it! OK, maybe I don't mean "peaking" the way most people mean "peaking." Maybe I don't mean "peaking" at all, whatever. But that's the title that was rolling around in my head when I started this blog post so I'm sticking with it.
But yeah, like. I'm not going to say that I don't think I'll ever be able to achieve anything else in my life, or that I've stopped trying to do things, of course not. But if I never get, idk, a title or an award or whatever that's better than all of what I've already achieved, I'm fine with that (as long as, y'know, I got a fair shot etc etc). I've grown to understand that keeping score, whether based on age or some other externality, is just another way of hating myself, and to decide that I want no part in that.
There's a C.S. Lewis quote that I liked a lot in my 20s, which goes
“When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”
As I leave my 30s behind, what I find that I've put away isn't so much "ambition" or "validation," but the fear that without those things I will not be enough, and the desire to be a list of accomplishments instead of a full human being.
I put away the shame of feeling judged and the myth of not living up to my "potential", and doing so wasn't just something I did for myself to make me feel better, but something that helped me be more understanding of others, and to see so much more in the people around me than just what they think they have to produce.
All in all, I'm really proud of all the things I've learned and the person I've become and continue to grow into, and being 40 has taught me that I can still improve on a personal level without having to tie it to some kind of external validation. I don't have to feel like I constantly have to prove myself, I can let my words and actions speak for themselves. People can decide on their own from those whether I know my shit or not, and I receive that validation from seeing the trust people put in me, in what I know and what I can do. And, I can share what I know and what I do in meaningful ways that help people, in ways those people can then use to help others as well, which feels better than any award ever could.
So yeah, I'm officially leaving my hustle era and embracing my know thyself era, and I couldn't be happier about that.