obligatory pre-milestone birthday post
I'm turning 40 on the 12th and this past week and a half has not been great for my executive function/depression/surviving-in-a-dystopianess. If there's one thing I can say though, it's that I'm doing better at not beating myself up for being a mess and just getting through things as best as I can. And that's probably helped me get more done than I thought I'd be able to, though both those things are probably in large part due to the medical help I've been getting. I also seem to have been able to handle/dismantle some of the emotional stuff I've been struggling with? idk, some days will always be better than others and some will be worse so it could also be that.
I've never had what you could call any sort of definite life plan; still, I thought I'd be a lot of things by 40, and so did other people. I didn't end up being most of those things, but I feel like I'm more content with who I am, who I've worked to become, and that feels pretty good.
Other than wanting to blog so I could mark it at all, I don't really feel a type of way about turning 40 except for feeling like vaguely like I need to because society thinks I should. But then, I didn't get to the aforementioned contentment by respecting what society thinks I should do or how society thinks I should feel about anything, so I don't see why I should start now.
On my 30th birthday I went with my partner and another friend to get a Proper Vacuum Cleaner. That wasn't really a "you need a real vacuum cleaner because you're 30" thing, we just needed a proper vacuum cleaner and it was a good day to get one, but I like telling the story that way because it's funnier.
It also helps that my husband is a few years older than me so I have living proof that you can be 40 or older and still be and have fun. And I've always generally felt like aging is always better than the alternative.
I did read a thread today about perimenopause and menopause that gave me some things to look out for and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned about how all that will impact my existing struggles. But that's less "bleh bluh turning 40 stereotype stereotype nanana" than it is just being aware of the changes my body is going to go through and how that might affect me.
I know I phrased that a little like one of those "my body and me" books but hey, maybe I'm right for that. Kids have more access to information about puberty than ever, and in the last 15 years I've watched the dialogue around pregnancy and labor grow drastically more detailed, honest, and accessible, but I've only just started to see more openness around perimenopause and menopause. Though of course, it's no coincidence that these timelines match up with where me and my peers are expected to be, so maybe I just didn't know or care to pay attention to that information before.
That said, explainer videos and influencer education also got huge over the last 15 years, so I do think there's been a change in where and how we can find this information. When I was growing up, it was kind of understood that I'd just learn about this stuff from my family or during a hospital visit or something. Now there are way more ways to learn (though some of course can be harmful because of misinformation, propaganda, etc).
I've also seen people older than me talk about how the stigma of talking about peri/menopause was so bad that their parents didn't tell them and many of their doctors either didn't know to even suggest it, or subscribed to outdated and provably false ideas about it. All that to say, I do certainly think part of it is being more open to hearing this sort of thing now that I'm getting closer to it, but I don't think it's just that.
This post got longer than I thought. As I mentioned in my last post, I've been having a lot of trouble writing outside of my head lately, especially longer-form, so that's nice.
A lot of stuff happened in my 30s, much of it bad (externally), much of it good (internally) and much of it unexpected. I did a lot of things I never thought I'd do and got to do some things I'd always wanted. I fucked up, a LOT, which means I survived a lot. More often than not I was able to learn from my failures; some of them I still struggle with now, some I've resigned myself to regretting for many years. I also helped a lot of people, taught a lot of people, met a lot of people, and made a lot of friends. And yes, I also vacuumed (its name is Jedgar, and yes, it is the brand you think it is based on that).
I still need to work on not being as surprised at being good at the things I do and have done for literal decades in some cases. And I have to admit I'll miss being seen as a "prodigy" or whatever a little bit, since I'll be entering the age where society presumably will be used to people my age having the skills and experiences I do. I know it was based on bullshit, but it still felt good. I think this is also the age where people stop referring to you as "young" unless it's in a negative way (like if something happens to you or if people are looking down on you). I don't think I have any particular attachment to that word, but it's going to be a change to get used to nonetheless.
In conclusion, I turn 40 tomorrow and I'm gonna have a lemon and blueberry ice cream cake with strawberry crunchies and a brownie base, and I told the person who took my order to "make it pretty". Things I don't control in the world could be much, much better, but my potential to change that only grows more the happier I am with me. We'll see what happens. 🥳